I'm a comedian and I write things. Some of those things appear here. I hope you like them.
If you could write a letter to yourself at ten years old, what would you say?
- Northwestern University College Application, 2009
Dear 10-year old me,
Things are going great. And I’d say this letter is a big part of it. 9/11 didn’t happen, because I told you about it here. Also, the Red Sox win the World Series! I know. It’s incredible, and the feeling that you get when they beat the Yankees will be, surely, one of the most incredible moments of our life. But I’ll get to that.
Abercrombie & Fitch Interoffice Memo: 6/3/2013
From: Mike Jeffries, CEO
Subject: Changes in Office Policy
‘Sup, you sons of Fitches?
As you bros and chicks have probably figured out, it’s been a tough week here at the old A&F. Stock prices taking a dive, dudes getting axed, and fatties all over the nation boycotting our stores. It’s been rocky.
I’m just sending this memo out because I want to announce a few changes in policy.
Apparently, we’ve been running the office wrong, and some fine-ass lawyer chick in a black suit yelled at me about it. It was actually totally hot. She said a couple of things have to change, so I’ll go through ‘em.
I. Sexual Harassment Policy
It’s no longer mandatory to sexually harass your co-workers.
In fact, I’m told by Fine-Ass Lawyer Chick that we’re actually supposed to discourage sexual harassment, and that she’s totally serious and I’m not even allowed to put a winky-face here to let you know I’m kidding.
I’m also supposed to provide an example so ya’ll know what’s changed.
If you see a foxy half-Asian lady in the hall, you can’t say:
“Hey foxy half-Asian, I’m Mike and I’m ‘Crombie’s head dawg. Wanna bone?” Instead, you have to say “Good morning,” or some such shit.
Also, we can’t call “Slutty Kelly” by the name “Slutty Kelly” anymore. I have no idea what we’re going to call her now, but whatever.
II. Dress Code
· Chicks: You’re all now allowed to wear shirts and you no longer have to toss your head backwards and smile before addressing men in the office. No more string bikinis on Casual Fridays.
· Duders: The chicks have been allowed to wear shirts, but you guys now HAVE to wear them. Even on Casual Fridays. I know. I fought as hard as I could, but apparently, some ladies in this office got all Abercrombie and Bitch so we all have to suffer.
The following t-shirts will be phased out.
IV. Employment Policy
The company is now an equal-opportunity employer, which means we’re lifting our “Bros Before Hos” policy. Also, we’re not allowed to call ho’s “ho’s.” Even Slutty Kelly.
V. Staff Memos
Lastly, this memo is printed on something called “paper.” Up until this point, all the company memos had been written in whipped cream on the back of a seventeen year-old quarterback, but apparently, that has to stop too. I guess tradition means nothing around here.
I know that all this shifting of our office culture is tough to handle, but we really have no other choice than to take these measures. Average Americans have spoken, and they’ve made it pretty clear they can’t handle the heat, so we have to turn it down.
The times are changing, and so will Abercrombie and Fitch.
Mike Jeffries, Top Fucking Dawg
Wait, wait. Nick? Nick. Hey. I know we’re all impatient to get going, but before we pair up and start beating the hell out of each other as per usual, I was hoping it would be OK if I took a few quick seconds to make a few brief comments and offer some feedback.
Let me preface all this by saying that I like coming to the Fight Club a whole heckuva lot. I work weird hours—I’m a freelance copywriter-slash-social-media expert and a whole bunch of my clients are in different time zones—so I really appreciate the club’s 3 A.M. start time and that I’ve gotten the chance to meet new people. I’ve found myself, as I’m sure many of you have, really burning substantial calories in a way that’s both active and fun. I can’t recall getting a workout this intense since they stopped putting out those TaeBo tapes.
Given all that, it obviously pains me big-time to take up a few minutes right now to offer anything but the most glowing of comments, especially as we all appear to be eager to commence punching each other in the face. But, if I’m being honest, Nick, there really isn’t a forum for us guys to give suggestions to you and that Tyler fella you always talk about, so I just feel compelled—by the way, we should create such a forum, you can file that as my first suggestion—I just feel compelled to share some constructive criticism before we pair off and start whacking at kidneys and cheekbones.
00:21 - Pope arrives, greets gathered press w/ “Shalom aleichem.” Asks for everyone to be seated.
00:52 – Pope thanks everyone for coming. Makes announcement about a MacBook Pro laptop lost in St. Patrick’s Cathedral (“If anyone has seen it, please return to Cardinal Marcus. He’d make this announcement himself, but he’s taken that vow of silence, so it’s a no go.”)
01:21 – 02:25 – Pope does a little riff about giving up chocolate for lent to much laughter and applause.
03:42 – Pope says he has major announcement. Says there has been a lot of speculation about the cause of the press conference.
04:01 – “I know some of you here think maybe I’m holding this press conference to announce that I’m releasing another ‘Pope Loafer’ with Nike, but we’re proud of the line and we don’t want to over-do it.”
05:33 – Pope says he’s ready to make announcement.
05:41 – “I’m here to announce—and guys, I want everyone to be calm about this—that, at the age of 86, I’m retiring from the Papacy.”
05:58 – Nuns in front row fainting, press conference halted.
06:22 – Pope will retire in a few weeks. Says he will no longer be known as Benedict XVI anymore but Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (“’Joey the Ratz’ to my boys in the Swiss Guard”).
06:54 – Pope makes his first “Poping ain’t easy” joke of the press conference.
07:35 – “I’m an old dude, I’m an octogenarian. I can’t keep going with a full schedule. I’m not Larry King.”
08:11 – Pope says he has “nothing left to prove,” that he “gave 100 percent every day,” and that he just “doesn’t have love for the game anymore.”
08:42 – Thanks “confidantes” like “the Dalai Lama” and “Charles Barkley” for their support and advice.
09:00 – “I haven’t totally ruled out a return to the game. You know, never say never, right?”
09:21 – Pope says he’s not leaving over contract renegotiations with the church.
09:42 - “There’s no conspiracy here. Don’t give me any of that Dan Brown b***s**t.”
10:03 – Reporter who makes crack about the Pope retiring to “spend time with other peoples’ kids” booted from press conference.”
12:36 – Pope, responding to a question of “What’s next for you?” says that he really wants to focus on his music, and “various other entrepreneurialship (sic) endeavors.”
13:23 – Pope says he doesn’t know who the next Pope will be, but that he’s wishing everyone luck from the sidelines.
16:44 - “Five years down the line, if the urge comes back, if the Church will have me, if Jesus wants me to come back, I may come back.”
18:00 – Says he’ll miss the fans. (“I won’t miss the paparazzi, that’s for damn sure.”)
21:32 – Questions dying down. Pope gazes out over the now-silent room, says “If that’s all…” A few cameras click resignedly and il padrino takes a sip of water. Looks at his carlemango. In the corner, soft weeping from a few shocked clergymen. The Pope sighs. “Look, guys. I know this is difficult. It’s been a long time since someone did this, but I just think it’s better for the game if I walk away now. You’ve been fantastic, and I’ll miss you all. Thanks for everything.” He steps back from the podium and exits through the back door, trailed by his entourage.
22:01 – Rick Hahn, General Manager for the Chicago White Sox, takes the microphone, announces the Pope has signed a “two-year minor-league contract” with the team and that they’re “looking forward” to having the Pope report to Spring Training next week.
Washington, District of Columbia. Cold rain in DC, tears from Founders above. ‘America’ has run its course. Bill of Rights evolving and dissolving.
Boston, Massachusetts. Hail in MA, Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton playing ping-pong, disapproving of Taxachusetts’ Senate appointments. ‘America’ has eaten a pizza. Bill of Rights created by God.
Tampa, Florida. Hot, possibly light drizzle in FL. Body heat of William Howard Taft shifting in that bathtub he’s stuck in. ‘America’ has gone for light jog in the heat before giving up and taking a taxi home. Bill of Rights going through photosynthesis.
Mt. Rushmore, South Dakota. Low visibility in SD. George Washington would not want to see the rest of this country. ‘America’ has bought an umbrella. Bill of Rights lost on the way here.
New York City, New York. It’s Always Bad Weather Because of The Gay Sex.
Chicago, Illinois. High winds in Corrupt Democrat Stronghold. Reagan breathing hard (needs a tic-tac). This is where welfare fraud happens. ‘America’ has to wait on line at the DMV. Ugh. Bill of Rights stabbed on South Side.
Houston, Texas. Sun in TEXAS because Founding Fathers smile on the only people who have it right. ‘America’ forgot to take his meds today. Bill of Rights urged by Doctor to take said medication or, “this kind of thing can happen, Matt.”
Des Moines, Iowa. Bitterly cold in the heartland. The icy glare of Truman. ‘America’ shivers. Bill of Rights wonders: where is Obama now?
Newtown, Connecticut. Cloudy with temperatures steady near the mid 30s. Winds light and variable. Nothing worth discussing or out of the ordinary.
Barbara Walters: You’re a little overweight.
Chris Christie: More than a little.
Barbara Walters: Why?
Chris Christie: If I could figure that out, I’d fix it.
Barbara Walters: There are people that say you’re too overweight to be president.
- Barbara Walters’ “Most Fascinating People of 2012,” Special, 12/11/2012
Barbara Walters: There are people saying you’re the size of a small house.
Chris Christie: That’s insane.
Barbara Walters: Well, it’s what people are saying. If your body was a residence, how many bedrooms would it have?
Chris Christie: Um, well, I think the quest— I guess it would be a studio?
Barbara Walters: It wouldn’t be a studio.
Barbara Walters: Is Chris Christie your real name?
Chris Christie: Yes.
Barbara Walters: Are you sure? Some people think it might be possible that originally you were just one Chris but when you ballooned to twice your normal size a second Chris was added.
Chris Christie: No. It’s my name.
Barbara Walters: Or maybe you won the extra Chris after some sort of eating competition.
Chris Christie: Can we please talk about my state?
Barbara Walters: Which one is that again?
Chris Christie: New Jersey. I’m the Governor.
Barbara Walters: Were you elected, or do you rule by fear?
Chris Christie: I was elected. New Jersey is a state in crisis, and I’m asking any of those watching to send relief to the state. Anything helps. Clothes, canned food—
Barbara Walters: You’re asking people to send you food? Do you really need more food?
Chris Christie: Oh, for the love of God.
Barbara Walters: Let’s talk presidency.
Chris Christie: Please. Let’s do that.
Barbara Walters: If you were to compare yourself to a president, would you compare yourself to (A.) William Howard Taft, (B.) William Howard Taft, or (C.) William Howard Taft…
Chris Christie: I wouldn’t com—
Barbara Walters: I’m not finished. Or, (D.) all of the above.
Chris Christie: … Well, Hurricane Sandy hit us hard and there was a tremendous amount of flooding in Trenton –
Barbara Walters: Do you float?
Chris Christie: No. I don’t.
Barbara Walters: Just checking. People think from looking at you that you might.
Chris Christie: When you say “people” do you really just mean yourself?
Barbara Walters: I count as people.
Barbara Walters: I hear you’re a huge Bruce Springsteen fan. I was wonder—
Chris Christie: Before you say anything more, I just want to let you know that if you make a crack about how my favorite song of his clearly isn’t “Born to Run,” I’m going to crush your head like a soup nut.
Barbara Walters: …
Barbara Walters: How can you live with yourself?
Chris Christie: Look lady, I’m the Governor of one of the most essential, unique and fascinating states in the country. That state is in trouble, and, right now, I have to get Jersey back on its feet. I’m doing the best job I can, I don’t appreciate your asshole questions, and my weight, while a major concern for me personally, isn’t the most important thing right now.
Barbara Walters: Some people disagree.
Chris Christie: Fuck you.
Below is my real-life encounter with Blackberry Customer Service (which is an oxymoron) and what would happen if Blackberry did other things besides make second-rate phones with fifth-rate software. - AE
P.S. Thanks Verizon, you were much more simpatico and you were nice enough to make sure I at least got to speak to someone at Blackberry.
BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE
BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: Sir, I understand you’re upset, but if your phone dies during an update, it gets wiped. That happens sometimes.
ME: I didn’t know there would be an update.
BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: We send the update to your phone automatically. You just have to be prepared for it. It’s that time of year, so you should know that and make sure your phone doesn’t die.
ME: It didn’t really die. It stalled. It couldn’t process backing up the ‘Social Feeds’ app and then it shut down.
BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: Oh, you should’ve uninstalled that app.
ME: It came with the phone.
BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: I know, it’s bundled with Blackberry Bold but it’s buggy and I’d uninstall it if I were you. Didn’t you have your information backed up?
ME: I did, but the update service was the one that also came with my phone. My phone wiped and then updated the wiped version of my contact book.
BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: That happens sometime. Pretty bad luck. You should’ve had it backed up with a different service. Besides ours.
ME: I can’t believe—Jesus. Hey, I have to go, but can I call you back?
BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: The first service call is free, but we’ll probably have to charge you when you call back
ME: You’re screwing with me right? Aren’t you the customer service rep? And isn’t this is the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to do? Is the—
BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: Sir, you’re being rude, and I can’t help you. Is there anything else?
PATIENT: Ow! Ow! Oh my God, why did you just shove that—
DOCTOR BLACKBERRY: You’re around 50. It’s around time for your colonoscopy.
PATIENT: Holy crap, that hurts so much. I didn’t know there was going to be a colonoscopy. I didn’t even schedule an appointment; I was just standing here at this bus stop.
DOCTOR BLACKBERRY: Well, it’s about that time of your life; you should be ready for a colonoscopy.
PATIENT: Please take it out.
DOCTOR BLACKBERRY: I can’t. It’s stuck. We used the wrong hose. This one is too big. That’s bad luck.
PATIENT: Are you serious?
DOCTOR BLACKBERRY: I can try to take it out again, but you’ll have to pay me more money.
PATIENT: I can’t believe this is happening.
DOCTOR BLACKBERRY: It’s your own fault; you should be seeing another Doctor.
HOMEOWNER: Look, it was my daughter’s wedding today. The reception was being held in our house.
EXTERMINATOR BLACKBERRY: Hey, pal, I understand you’re upset, but we’ve got to get rid of the ants, you want the ants gone, don’t you?
HOMEOWNER: Yes, but we’re not even sure there ARE ants. Shouldn’t you have checked first?
EXTERMINATOR BLACKBERRY: Waste of time. We just fumigate the home with poisonous gas in case you have ants. You’re welcome.
HOMEOWNER: You’re welcome? Everyone in the wedding party is sick right now! My nephew died! You didn’t tell me you were going to fumigate.
EXTERMINATOR BLACKBERRY: We didn’t want to bother you. It was a service.
HOMEOWNER: Wait, why is my house on fire?
EXTERMINATOR BLACKBERRY: There are some gasoline-soaked rags in there. You should’ve removed them.
HOMEOWNER: I didn’t put them in there.
EXTERMINATOR BLACKBERRY: We did. You still should’ve removed them.
HOMEOWNER: Why did they ignite?
EXTERMINATOR BLACKBERRY: We lit them on fire to get the ants.
HOMEOWNER: What ants?
EXTERMINATOR BLACKBERRY: The ants we were looking for. And also the ones we’ve just now set loose in your house to help find the others.
HOMEOWNER: Can you get rid of them?
EXTERMINATOR BLACKBERRY: Maybe. You’ll have to pay to find out.
WAITER BLACKBERRY: Here’s your soup.
CUSTOMER: I didn’t order soup. I’m not in a restaurant. I’m just walking on the street.
WAITER BLACKBERRY: It’s the time of year to eat soup. You will eat it and like it.
WAITER BLACKBERRY: Take the soup.
CUSTOMER: I can’t. I’m holding my child. My hands are full.
WAITER BLACKBERRY: I’m going to pour this scalding soup on your child so you have room to hold the soup.
CUSTOMER: That makes no sen— Wait. Fine, give me some soup.
Customer takes some soup.
WAITER BLACKBERRY: How does it taste?
CUSTOMER: This is awful. I think I’m goin—
Customer vomits onto the ground.
WAITER BLACKBERRY: It’s got an expectorant called ipecac in it. It makes you vomit.
CUSTOMER: BLEARGH! Why?!
WAITER BLACKBERRY: It’s a service, in case you have a contaminant in your system. I might’ve just saved your life
CUSTOMER: I don’t have a contaminant in my BLEARGH! system.
WAITER BLACKBERRY: Well, not anymore.
Customer continues to vomit. His child watches, horrified.
CUSTOMER: Why would you do this to me? Can you make it stop?
WAITER BLACKBERRY: There might be an antidote. I’ll tell you if you pay.
CUSTOMER: I can’t stop vomiting. This is just awful.
WAITER BLACKBERRY: You shouldn’t go around insulting peoples’ cooking. If you didn’t like it then you should’ve gone to a different restaurant.
BANKER BLACKBERRY: Instead of saving your money, we accidentally flushed it all down the toilet. It happens sometimes.
CUSTOMER: That’s the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to do. I don’t understand how you’re still in business.
BANKER BLACKBERRY: We won’t be for much longer and everyone knows it, but we’re hanging on so we can torture you.
BENJAMIN: Guy? Guy, are you there?
GUY: I’m here Brochachos. You know I don’t like to be gotten out of bed before noon. What’s the big ideazy?
MICHAEL: Mr. Fieri, we’re calling from the Network and I hate to bother you, but we’ve got a bit of a problem.
GUY: I know, bro, I know. I just found out about the hurricane. Major bums.
MICHAEL: It’s not the hurricane, Guy. That was two weeks ago.
BENJAMIN: We are dealing with a major shitstorm, though.
MICHAEL: Benjamin, please. Guy, you know the restaurant in Times Square?
GUY: Sure, Bubba Gump. They do shrimp.
MICHAEL: No. Not that restaurant.
GUY: Hard Rock?
MICHAEL: No. Your restaurant.
[There is a long pause]
GUY: Uhhhhh… Tex’s Wasabi?
BENJAMIN: Wait, really?
MICHAEL: Guy, it’s your restaurant. You own it.
GUY: Hold on. Sorry, it was Tequila Tuesday last night. I know this. Is it Urban Outfitters?
MICHAEL: That’s not even a restaurant.
GUY: Oh! Hold on. One sec. It’s ‘Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar in Times Square.’ Obviouso. That’s mine.
BENJAMIN: Did you just Google that?
MICHAEL: Guy, critics have been coming to the Times Square restaurant and they’ve been writing pretty scathing reviews of it. It’s not good.
GUY: Awww, craps. What’d they say?
MICHAEL: It’s pretty mean. They’ve been talking ab—
GUY: Did they make fun of my hair?
MICHAEL: No. Well, maybe it got talked about, but that’s not the issu—
GUY: Did they mention the sunglasses-behind-the-head thing?
MICHAEL: No. Maybe one did. I don’t know.
BENJAMIN: Although it’d be nice if you stopped doing that.
GUY: Did they write about the hyped-up, horrible slang I use? My total lack of self-awareness? Did they say that I’m a caricature of an American so bloated and offensive that it’s practically treasonous, or that I dress like a seven-year-old ‘Orange County Choppers’ fan?
MICHAEL: Um. Not exactly. Although someone did compare you to Calvin Trillin.
GUY: The guy who plays for the Lions?
MICHAEL: No. He’s an autho—Nevermind. Guy, mostly the reviews were about the food.
GUY: Oh, that’s it? Broski, that’s totally fine.
BENJAMIN: It’s gotten real traction.
GUY: Whatever. I can’t believe you drove me out of slumbertown for this.
MICHAEL: It’s a big deal, some of the critics are very respected—
GUY: Listen, Bro Jackson. People go to these places because they love the Guyster. They come because they love me, and they see some of themselves in me and also because we don’t put the calorie counts on the menu. It’s all good.
MICHAEL: Your investors are pretty worried. One of the reviews in the New York Times has become an internet sensation.
GUY: Bromeister, the Internet is just a temporary popular thing. It’s only for checking out sweet pics of juicy cars and sexy ladies. Also, I haven’t even heard of the New York Times.
BENJAMIN: Oh my God, you’re the worst.
MICHAEL: Guy, look. We have to get out ahead of this. The food is truly terrible, apparently they can’t even get nachos right.
GUY: Whatever, I’m going back to bed. As long as the food has flavor, we’re all good.
MICHAEL: They’re saying the food doesn’t have flavor. That’s the whole point.
MICHAEL: Guy, are you there?
GUY: Wait, so the problem isn’t that there’s too much flavor for them?
BENJAMIN: No, it’s the opposite.
GUY: I’m all about Flavor. “Flavor is an attitude.” I say it all the time, and we have tons of attitude.
BENJAMIN: Do you not know what flavor means?
GUY: Sure. Flavor lives in Flavor Town.
MICHAEL: Guy, one of the critics said Flavor Town isn’t real.
GUY: He did not.
MICHAEL: Yes, TimeOut New York. Flavor Town. They implied that it was bullshit.
GUY: Flavor Town is real, Brobra Streisand. I’ve mentioned it on TV. I created Flavor Town. It’s part of my public image.
BENJAMIN: This call is fucking Kafkaesque.
MICHAEL: Well, they said it’s not flavorful.
GUY: Flavortown is so flavorful. It’s where Flavor lives.
MICHAEL: I know.
BENJAMIN: What’s happening right now?
MICHAEL: You have to do something about this, Guy. The reviewers are saying Flavortown is “about as real as Atlantis.”
GUY: Atlantis is real! It’s where they make Coca-Cola.
BENJAMIN: For chrissakes.
MICHAEL: Benjamin, shut up. Guy, You have to do something about this. Or Flavortown takes a hit.
GUY: Mangos, I can’t let that happen. Schedule some interviews. I’m the mayor, sherriff, and city council in Flavor Town and I’ve got a pledge to uphold. Everything that I do is all about flavor. I’ll handle this, or my name isn’t Guy Fieri.
BENJAMIN: Guy Fieri isn’t your name. You changed it to sound more ethnic.
GUY: People will keep coming to the restaurant. They’ll come because they know it’s a place with friendly flavor and rock n’ roll flavor…
BENJAMIN: …There’s no way you know what flavor means…
GUY: …they’ll come because they want a flavor they know. And, most of all, they’ll come because they’re fans of the “life is like a boxa chocolates” movie.
MICHAEL: It’s not Bubba Gump. That’s a different restaurant.