I'm a comedian and I write things. Some of those things appear here. I hope you like them.
If you could write a letter to yourself at ten years old, what would you say?
- Northwestern University College Application, 2009
Dear 10-year old me,
Things are going great. And I’d say this letter is a big part of it. 9/11 didn’t happen, because I told you about it here. Also, the Red Sox win the World Series! I know. It’s incredible, and the feeling that you get when they beat the Yankees will be, surely, one of the most incredible moments of our life. But I’ll get to that.
Abercrombie & Fitch Interoffice Memo: 6/3/2013
From: Mike Jeffries, CEO
Subject: Changes in Office Policy
‘Sup, you sons of Fitches?
As you bros and chicks have probably figured out, it’s been a tough week here at the old A&F. Stock prices taking a dive, dudes getting axed, and fatties all over the nation boycotting our stores. It’s been rocky.
I’m just sending this memo out because I want to announce a few changes in policy.
Apparently, we’ve been running the office wrong, and some fine-ass lawyer chick in a black suit yelled at me about it. It was actually totally hot. She said a couple of things have to change, so I’ll go through ‘em.
I. Sexual Harassment Policy
It’s no longer mandatory to sexually harass your co-workers.
In fact, I’m told by Fine-Ass Lawyer Chick that we’re actually supposed to discourage sexual harassment, and that she’s totally serious and I’m not even allowed to put a winky-face here to let you know I’m kidding.
I’m also supposed to provide an example so ya’ll know what’s changed.
If you see a foxy half-Asian lady in the hall, you can’t say:
“Hey foxy half-Asian, I’m Mike and I’m ‘Crombie’s head dawg. Wanna bone?” Instead, you have to say “Good morning,” or some such shit.
Also, we can’t call “Slutty Kelly” by the name “Slutty Kelly” anymore. I have no idea what we’re going to call her now, but whatever.
II. Dress Code
· Chicks: You’re all now allowed to wear shirts and you no longer have to toss your head backwards and smile before addressing men in the office. No more string bikinis on Casual Fridays.
· Duders: The chicks have been allowed to wear shirts, but you guys now HAVE to wear them. Even on Casual Fridays. I know. I fought as hard as I could, but apparently, some ladies in this office got all Abercrombie and Bitch so we all have to suffer.
The following t-shirts will be phased out.
IV. Employment Policy
The company is now an equal-opportunity employer, which means we’re lifting our “Bros Before Hos” policy. Also, we’re not allowed to call ho’s “ho’s.” Even Slutty Kelly.
V. Staff Memos
Lastly, this memo is printed on something called “paper.” Up until this point, all the company memos had been written in whipped cream on the back of a seventeen year-old quarterback, but apparently, that has to stop too. I guess tradition means nothing around here.
I know that all this shifting of our office culture is tough to handle, but we really have no other choice than to take these measures. Average Americans have spoken, and they’ve made it pretty clear they can’t handle the heat, so we have to turn it down.
The times are changing, and so will Abercrombie and Fitch.
Mike Jeffries, Top Fucking Dawg
Wait, wait. Nick? Nick. Hey. I know we’re all impatient to get going, but before we pair up and start beating the hell out of each other as per usual, I was hoping it would be OK if I took a few quick seconds to make a few brief comments and offer some feedback.
Let me preface all this by saying that I like coming to the Fight Club a whole heckuva lot. I work weird hours—I’m a freelance copywriter-slash-social-media expert and a whole bunch of my clients are in different time zones—so I really appreciate the club’s 3 A.M. start time and that I’ve gotten the chance to meet new people. I’ve found myself, as I’m sure many of you have, really burning substantial calories in a way that’s both active and fun. I can’t recall getting a workout this intense since they stopped putting out those TaeBo tapes.
Given all that, it obviously pains me big-time to take up a few minutes right now to offer anything but the most glowing of comments, especially as we all appear to be eager to commence punching each other in the face. But, if I’m being honest, Nick, there really isn’t a forum for us guys to give suggestions to you and that Tyler fella you always talk about, so I just feel compelled—by the way, we should create such a forum, you can file that as my first suggestion—I just feel compelled to share some constructive criticism before we pair off and start whacking at kidneys and cheekbones.
00:21 - Pope arrives, greets gathered press w/ “Shalom aleichem.” Asks for everyone to be seated.
00:52 – Pope thanks everyone for coming. Makes announcement about a MacBook Pro laptop lost in St. Patrick’s Cathedral (“If anyone has seen it, please return to Cardinal Marcus. He’d make this announcement himself, but he’s taken that vow of silence, so it’s a no go.”)
01:21 – 02:25 – Pope does a little riff about giving up chocolate for lent to much laughter and applause.
03:42 – Pope says he has major announcement. Says there has been a lot of speculation about the cause of the press conference.
04:01 – “I know some of you here think maybe I’m holding this press conference to announce that I’m releasing another ‘Pope Loafer’ with Nike, but we’re proud of the line and we don’t want to over-do it.”
05:33 – Pope says he’s ready to make announcement.
05:41 – “I’m here to announce—and guys, I want everyone to be calm about this—that, at the age of 86, I’m retiring from the Papacy.”
05:58 – Nuns in front row fainting, press conference halted.
06:22 – Pope will retire in a few weeks. Says he will no longer be known as Benedict XVI anymore but Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (“’Joey the Ratz’ to my boys in the Swiss Guard”).
06:54 – Pope makes his first “Poping ain’t easy” joke of the press conference.
07:35 – “I’m an old dude, I’m an octogenarian. I can’t keep going with a full schedule. I’m not Larry King.”
08:11 – Pope says he has “nothing left to prove,” that he “gave 100 percent every day,” and that he just “doesn’t have love for the game anymore.”
08:42 – Thanks “confidantes” like “the Dalai Lama” and “Charles Barkley” for their support and advice.
09:00 – “I haven’t totally ruled out a return to the game. You know, never say never, right?”
09:21 – Pope says he’s not leaving over contract renegotiations with the church.
09:42 - “There’s no conspiracy here. Don’t give me any of that Dan Brown b***s**t.”
10:03 – Reporter who makes crack about the Pope retiring to “spend time with other peoples’ kids” booted from press conference.”
12:36 – Pope, responding to a question of “What’s next for you?” says that he really wants to focus on his music, and “various other entrepreneurialship (sic) endeavors.”
13:23 – Pope says he doesn’t know who the next Pope will be, but that he’s wishing everyone luck from the sidelines.
16:44 - “Five years down the line, if the urge comes back, if the Church will have me, if Jesus wants me to come back, I may come back.”
18:00 – Says he’ll miss the fans. (“I won’t miss the paparazzi, that’s for damn sure.”)
21:32 – Questions dying down. Pope gazes out over the now-silent room, says “If that’s all…” A few cameras click resignedly and il padrino takes a sip of water. Looks at his carlemango. In the corner, soft weeping from a few shocked clergymen. The Pope sighs. “Look, guys. I know this is difficult. It’s been a long time since someone did this, but I just think it’s better for the game if I walk away now. You’ve been fantastic, and I’ll miss you all. Thanks for everything.” He steps back from the podium and exits through the back door, trailed by his entourage.
22:01 – Rick Hahn, General Manager for the Chicago White Sox, takes the microphone, announces the Pope has signed a “two-year minor-league contract” with the team and that they’re “looking forward” to having the Pope report to Spring Training next week.
Washington, District of Columbia. Cold rain in DC, tears from Founders above. ‘America’ has run its course. Bill of Rights evolving and dissolving.
Boston, Massachusetts. Hail in MA, Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton playing ping-pong, disapproving of Taxachusetts’ Senate appointments. ‘America’ has eaten a pizza. Bill of Rights created by God.
Tampa, Florida. Hot, possibly light drizzle in FL. Body heat of William Howard Taft shifting in that bathtub he’s stuck in. ‘America’ has gone for light jog in the heat before giving up and taking a taxi home. Bill of Rights going through photosynthesis.
Mt. Rushmore, South Dakota. Low visibility in SD. George Washington would not want to see the rest of this country. ‘America’ has bought an umbrella. Bill of Rights lost on the way here.
New York City, New York. It’s Always Bad Weather Because of The Gay Sex.
Chicago, Illinois. High winds in Corrupt Democrat Stronghold. Reagan breathing hard (needs a tic-tac). This is where welfare fraud happens. ‘America’ has to wait on line at the DMV. Ugh. Bill of Rights stabbed on South Side.
Houston, Texas. Sun in TEXAS because Founding Fathers smile on the only people who have it right. ‘America’ forgot to take his meds today. Bill of Rights urged by Doctor to take said medication or, “this kind of thing can happen, Matt.”
Des Moines, Iowa. Bitterly cold in the heartland. The icy glare of Truman. ‘America’ shivers. Bill of Rights wonders: where is Obama now?
Newtown, Connecticut. Cloudy with temperatures steady near the mid 30s. Winds light and variable. Nothing worth discussing or out of the ordinary.
Barbara Walters: You’re a little overweight.
Chris Christie: More than a little.
Barbara Walters: Why?
Chris Christie: If I could figure that out, I’d fix it.
Barbara Walters: There are people that say you’re too overweight to be president.
- Barbara Walters’ “Most Fascinating People of 2012,” Special, 12/11/2012
Barbara Walters: There are people saying you’re the size of a small house.
Chris Christie: That’s insane.
Barbara Walters: Well, it’s what people are saying. If your body was a residence, how many bedrooms would it have?
Chris Christie: Um, well, I think the quest— I guess it would be a studio?
Barbara Walters: It wouldn’t be a studio.
Barbara Walters: Is Chris Christie your real name?
Chris Christie: Yes.
Barbara Walters: Are you sure? Some people think it might be possible that originally you were just one Chris but when you ballooned to twice your normal size a second Chris was added.
Chris Christie: No. It’s my name.
Barbara Walters: Or maybe you won the extra Chris after some sort of eating competition.
Chris Christie: Can we please talk about my state?
Barbara Walters: Which one is that again?
Chris Christie: New Jersey. I’m the Governor.
Barbara Walters: Were you elected, or do you rule by fear?
Chris Christie: I was elected. New Jersey is a state in crisis, and I’m asking any of those watching to send relief to the state. Anything helps. Clothes, canned food—
Barbara Walters: You’re asking people to send you food? Do you really need more food?
Chris Christie: Oh, for the love of God.
Barbara Walters: Let’s talk presidency.
Chris Christie: Please. Let’s do that.
Barbara Walters: If you were to compare yourself to a president, would you compare yourself to (A.) William Howard Taft, (B.) William Howard Taft, or (C.) William Howard Taft…
Chris Christie: I wouldn’t com—
Barbara Walters: I’m not finished. Or, (D.) all of the above.
Chris Christie: … Well, Hurricane Sandy hit us hard and there was a tremendous amount of flooding in Trenton –
Barbara Walters: Do you float?
Chris Christie: No. I don’t.
Barbara Walters: Just checking. People think from looking at you that you might.
Chris Christie: When you say “people” do you really just mean yourself?
Barbara Walters: I count as people.
Barbara Walters: I hear you’re a huge Bruce Springsteen fan. I was wonder—
Chris Christie: Before you say anything more, I just want to let you know that if you make a crack about how my favorite song of his clearly isn’t “Born to Run,” I’m going to crush your head like a soup nut.
Barbara Walters: …
Barbara Walters: How can you live with yourself?
Chris Christie: Look lady, I’m the Governor of one of the most essential, unique and fascinating states in the country. That state is in trouble, and, right now, I have to get Jersey back on its feet. I’m doing the best job I can, I don’t appreciate your asshole questions, and my weight, while a major concern for me personally, isn’t the most important thing right now.
Barbara Walters: Some people disagree.
Chris Christie: Fuck you.