I'm a comedian and I write things. Some of those things appear here. I hope you like them.
If you could write a letter to yourself at ten years old, what would you say?
- Northwestern University College Application, 2009
Dear 10-year old me,
Things are going great. And I’d say this letter is a big part of it. 9/11 didn’t happen, because I told you about it here. Also, the Red Sox win the World Series! I know. It’s incredible, and the feeling that you get when they beat the Yankees will be, surely, one of the most incredible moments of our life. But I’ll get to that.
Abercrombie & Fitch Interoffice Memo: 6/3/2013
From: Mike Jeffries, CEO
Subject: Changes in Office Policy
‘Sup, you sons of Fitches?
As you bros and chicks have probably figured out, it’s been a tough week here at the old A&F. Stock prices taking a dive, dudes getting axed, and fatties all over the nation boycotting our stores. It’s been rocky.
I’m just sending this memo out because I want to announce a few changes in policy.
Apparently, we’ve been running the office wrong, and some fine-ass lawyer chick in a black suit yelled at me about it. It was actually totally hot. She said a couple of things have to change, so I’ll go through ‘em.
I. Sexual Harassment Policy
It’s no longer mandatory to sexually harass your co-workers.
In fact, I’m told by Fine-Ass Lawyer Chick that we’re actually supposed to discourage sexual harassment, and that she’s totally serious and I’m not even allowed to put a winky-face here to let you know I’m kidding.
I’m also supposed to provide an example so ya’ll know what’s changed.
If you see a foxy half-Asian lady in the hall, you can’t say:
“Hey foxy half-Asian, I’m Mike and I’m ‘Crombie’s head dawg. Wanna bone?” Instead, you have to say “Good morning,” or some such shit.
Also, we can’t call “Slutty Kelly” by the name “Slutty Kelly” anymore. I have no idea what we’re going to call her now, but whatever.
II. Dress Code
· Chicks: You’re all now allowed to wear shirts and you no longer have to toss your head backwards and smile before addressing men in the office. No more string bikinis on Casual Fridays.
· Duders: The chicks have been allowed to wear shirts, but you guys now HAVE to wear them. Even on Casual Fridays. I know. I fought as hard as I could, but apparently, some ladies in this office got all Abercrombie and Bitch so we all have to suffer.
The following t-shirts will be phased out.
IV. Employment Policy
The company is now an equal-opportunity employer, which means we’re lifting our “Bros Before Hos” policy. Also, we’re not allowed to call ho’s “ho’s.” Even Slutty Kelly.
V. Staff Memos
Lastly, this memo is printed on something called “paper.” Up until this point, all the company memos had been written in whipped cream on the back of a seventeen year-old quarterback, but apparently, that has to stop too. I guess tradition means nothing around here.
I know that all this shifting of our office culture is tough to handle, but we really have no other choice than to take these measures. Average Americans have spoken, and they’ve made it pretty clear they can’t handle the heat, so we have to turn it down.
The times are changing, and so will Abercrombie and Fitch.
Mike Jeffries, Top Fucking Dawg
Wait, wait. Nick? Nick. Hey. I know we’re all impatient to get going, but before we pair up and start beating the hell out of each other as per usual, I was hoping it would be OK if I took a few quick seconds to make a few brief comments and offer some feedback.
Let me preface all this by saying that I like coming to the Fight Club a whole heckuva lot. I work weird hours—I’m a freelance copywriter-slash-social-media expert and a whole bunch of my clients are in different time zones—so I really appreciate the club’s 3 A.M. start time and that I’ve gotten the chance to meet new people. I’ve found myself, as I’m sure many of you have, really burning substantial calories in a way that’s both active and fun. I can’t recall getting a workout this intense since they stopped putting out those TaeBo tapes.
Given all that, it obviously pains me big-time to take up a few minutes right now to offer anything but the most glowing of comments, especially as we all appear to be eager to commence punching each other in the face. But, if I’m being honest, Nick, there really isn’t a forum for us guys to give suggestions to you and that Tyler fella you always talk about, so I just feel compelled—by the way, we should create such a forum, you can file that as my first suggestion—I just feel compelled to share some constructive criticism before we pair off and start whacking at kidneys and cheekbones.